GRUMPY COOKING #12: A DAYTIME TELEVISION SPECIAL: BBQ

BBQ.

Everyone, this is Eastern North Carolina BBQ, she goes by Barbie, welcome Barbie to the show.

*Applause*

For many years, Barbie devoted her existence to her boyfriend Chris. Their relationship was good! He worked hard building a wood and charcoal fire every time, smoking her with fine chunks of hickory and applewood, the old fashioned way. But now, Barbie accuses Chris of cheating on her, with her own cousin!

*Loud Booing*

Ok. I’ll be the first to admit that I have strong opinions about what is or, more importantly, ISN’T, BBQ. That’s ok though, because I’m right.

That’s a topic, for another time. The short version is this: when you say BBQ or Barbeque or Barbecue, if you mean anything besides smoked, pulled pork, you’re wrong.

No, your hot dogs and hamburgers don’t count. That’s a Cookout.
Grilled steak and chicken don’t count either. That’s Grilling Out.
I will accept other forms of smoked meat, provided that they are qualified by their location of origin first: Texas BBQ (brisket), Kansas City BBQ (ribs).

Delicious, but not BBQ.

I’m sorry if you disagree, but that’s just how it is. Facts are facts. It’s probably the only thing that people in the ~~bible~~ barbeque belt fully agree on.

There are also rules about how it’s made. Smoke from a hardwood fire rises up to slow-cook large cuts of pork over a very long period of time. The details can change depending on who you ask, but the unbreakable rules are fire, big cuts of pig, for a long time.

Today we’re going to break all of those rules.

You know Maury, I’m an old fashioned southern girl, and I know it might sound like a lot of extra work to some people, to have to go through all those steps– making a fire, getting the smoke temperature just right, and then keeping it going for 16 hours while I’m gettin’ ready– but I think based on how tasty I look once I’m there it should be enough for anybody—- especially the man who SAYS he loves me.

*Supportive Clapping*

Step one: The Rub.

Spicy.

Ingredients:

4 Pork Shoulder Steaks (yes, steaks!)
Kosher Salt
Black Pepper
Paprika
Cayenne Pepper

Roughly even quantities, apart from the Cayenne, which should be half the quantity of any one of the others. Toss them together. Coat the front and back of the pork generously. Refrigerate for a few hours before smoking for best results.

Step two: Smoking

This is the part where we really get into the cheating. Technically, all we need for delicious BBQ Pork is smoke from hardwoods. Is it yummier if you make a fire and do it the old fashioned way? Yes. Unquestionably yes. Is it a huge amount of work? Also, unquestionably yes.

It’s hot, exhausting, backbreaking, highly stressful work for the ENTIRE day.

So we’re going to cheat. With electricity. And Bluetooth.

Set your Smokey McSmokeface to 250 F, load the handy smoke box with some applewood and hickory chips, your pork steaks go on the racks with the drip tray half full of apple cider vinegar. Be sure to temp probe at least one steak on each rack. I use a bluetooth thermometer that Weber makes that tracks temps, alarms, etc. You even get a graph to monitor the progress and track the stall (the time period at which the meat stops increasing in temperature while moisture evaporates on the surface– can be hours long in traditional BBQ).

My thermometer is named Tempy McTempface.

So I said to him: “Are you cheating on me with my cousin the Electra the Smoker?” And he said “Uhhhhhh No?” Does he think I’m stupid or something? I may be old fashioned, but I’m definitely tastier than than whatever SHE can make. I KNOW THOSE PORK BUTTS HE POSTS ON FACEBOOK AREN’T MINE! *Sobs*

*Crowd Boo’s Angrily*

Now we spoke to Chris before the show, and he claims that not only is Barbie controlling, but she never let’s him eat anything besides Pulled Pork. He says his relationship with Barbie’s cousin Electra is purely platonic. Let’s bring him out to tell his side of the story.

*Booing Intensifies*

As you can see from the temperature graph above, smoking with smaller cuts of meat in a smart smoker with computerized temperature control, bluetooth-connected thermometers, and data analysis is … both dead simple and extremely fast. You can wake up at a regular time, warm up the smoker, toss in the meat, and be ready for delicious pulled pork sandwiches by lunchtime.

You’re shooting for a final temp of 202 F. Add more wood chips every hour. That’s it.

Is the end result as good as if you worked outside for 16 hours over a wood fire pit? No.

But it’s really close.